How often I wished that they would have told us "Your son needs surgery. Now. We'll do it right now." In many ways, it would have been so much easier!
Instead, we had 12 weeks to wait - 6 of those after we had chosen our surgeon.
I knew the Lord had spoken. I knew he showed us exactly who to choose to operate on David. But that didn't change the worry that sat in my gut like spoiled milk.
I knew that the intra-operative fatalities of babies in the past were the result of a blood disorder that would have caused deaths in any surgery, but that didn't stop me from wondering if David had the same disorder. How would we know?
In the weeks leading up to surgery, I kept my eye out for any bleeding abnormalities. He had his heel pricked for newborn screening ... it was fine. But then, I noticed he was waking up with bloody noses. That scared me. His left eye started bursting blood vessels regularly. Every week or two he would have complete pools of broken vessels in that one eye. That scared me more.
We asked several doctors about this. None seemed concerned. But this momma was.
Plainly, I was scared that David would not make it through the surgery. I prayed so many times that I would rather go than have anything ever happen to David.
Wai, the case managing RN for Dr. Jimenez, was very thorough to reassure me that they would take all of the necessary blood work, but I still asked a lot of questions - a lot of times.
In the end (we found this out much after the surgery), the bloody noses were from sensitive, dried-up sinuses due to the wintertime. The eye bursts still happen every once in a while, but a pediatric eye doctor determined that he simply has immature blood vessels in that eye.
But without knowing any of that at the time, each blood red spot I saw in him made the wait until the surgery even longer. I have been through hard times before, but this ... oh this was different. This was my son.
I don't think 10 minutes went by without me pleading to God to protect my child. I have never prayed more in my life, and I have never felt closer to God either. Those weeks are a spot in my memory which seem to have a golden hue as I remember the moments quietly sailing by. Despite the desperation I felt, the close communication I had with my Father in heaven and the unquenchable love I had for my family, and for this child, will always remain in the warmest parts of my heart.
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